I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
