I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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