I cannot find my penis.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
that's an acceptable place to lick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
