Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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