the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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