she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
