Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
