In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
