So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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