his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
