My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
