there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
