Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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