Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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