is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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