but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
