my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
