Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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