I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
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My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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