After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
