So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
