bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
