I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
