What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
