Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.