i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me