What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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