Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
