They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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