I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
