Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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