the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
