I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
