Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
