You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
