the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
