I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
