If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
