Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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