My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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