Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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