Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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