I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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