Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
