ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
