Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
