One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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