Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
