I am spending my child support on dildos
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
