you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
