I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
