im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
