is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
